Happy New Year...And A Little Reflection...

Happy New Years...

I have noticed most everyone I read has already put up their Happy New Year posts, so I am late to the party, but here goes!

I want to wish everyone who reads my blog and whose blogs I read a very Happy New Year.  I hope the upcoming year brings you everything you have wished for...even those deep down wishes that you have never expressed to anyone...even yourself (because sometimes those are the most important).  I wish you all love, happiness, success, and joy throughout 2013, and for all the years to come.  

I wish you great blogs to read, wonderful partners to play with, abiding love to cherish, amazing family moments to remember long into old age, and the sweetest of dreams in the darkest of nights.  You are all special to me, because, like my BD, you allow me to be who I am....and I am grateful for that.

And A Little Reflection...

Tonight, for me, has an aspect of sadness, as well as joy.  Much of my sadness comes from the fact that BD and I are not able to be physically together right now.  He is so much a part of me that it is hard to go through day to day life without seeing him.  My life was not all that it could be without him in it.  My heart had a hole exactly his size in it, and until I had him, that hole was never filled.  Now it is...but something is still missing.  His presence, his voice in my ear first thing in the morning, the feel of his hand caressing my hair in the middle of the night.  While I miss having a sex life (oh, Lord, do I MISS having a sex life!), that is such a small part of what makes me miss him.  His kindness, the love for me that I can see in his eyes and his heart every time he looks at me, his determination that I will not be my own worst enemy, his absolute and total belief in me and in the knowledge that I can accomplish anything I dream about.  Fixing coffee for him in the mornings.  Cooking his meals, so that I know he is eating healthy.  Loving him up close, instead of at a distance, because I know he is so alone where he is. 

We were able to talk on the phone tonight, which really boosted my spirits....while we were on the phone and for about an hour afterward.  After that, unfortunately, there was a crash...spirits falling to the ground at high speeds.  I'm not really sure why.  He has promised me two phone calls tomorrow...the first being at 9 a.m., so I really should be thrilled!  But I am not.  I miss him.  I miss him in ways I can't even describe, because they hurt too much.  He is the one person still living in this world who has faith in me no matter what, who trusts me beyond measure, who is proud of me every day....even when I am not proud of myself.  He SEES me like no one has ever been able to see me before.  He told me tonight that he knows me so well because I am his passion, his obsession, and his dream....it's his job to study me, and his joy.  That makes me feel so humbled....and so blessed to be a part of his world.  To me, he is happiness, peace, safety, and love...and I miss him....so much.

Moving On Before I Completely Lose It....

New Years is always a time of resolutions, but I don't think I am going to make any concrete ones.  There are things I want to do in 2013:  Lose weight, Stop Smoking, Get Published.  But every single year, I make resolutions, and like most of the world, I give up on them by February (if I even make it that far!).  So this year, I am trying something new.

I found the above icon and it speaks to me.  I have so many goals, so many things I dream about and want to accomplish, but I have NO OOMPH!  (Definition:  OOMPH - the thing inside you that makes you put yourself out there, that makes you take the steps to accomplish your goals, instead of sitting back and wanting them without ever making any progress.)  I don't know if it is caused by a laziness gene, my tendency to procrastinate, or perhaps the absolute fear....the fear of ACCOMPLISHING my goals, which is ALMOST as strong as the fear of NOT accomplishing them.  Or perhaps it is depression....who really knows.  All I know is that the OOMPH is not there, and I need to get some! 

So...instead of making concrete resolutions, I have decided that the statement on the above icon is something I want to begin living by.  I want to go after what I want!  I want to ask for what I desire!  And I want to take, not just the first step, but all the steps to get me there!

So here I go, world!  Or, should I say here I come!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Cassaundra