Thursday, January 10, 2013


The above pic was created by Shelby Cross and I found it on her blog the other day.  She really is a funny lady, she is a submissive, and she is a writer...which combines to make her blog a place I visit quite often.

When I found this icon, I had to ask her permission to put it here on my blog, because it really hit an unpleasantly placed nail right on the head for me.  I am often sad, due to the circumstances surrounding BD and I being so far apart right now, among other things, and after some self-analyzation (which I HATE, by the way), I have come to realize that I use that as an excuse not to do things that I KNOW I need to do.  I let my sadness (which I believe sometimes borders on depression) effect my productivity and my life.  I have ambition...I have a TON of ambition.  But I sometimes feel that I am doing absolutely nothing to achieve my goals.

I have talked about this before, and I am sure I will talk about it again.  Fear.  Fear of hearing the rejections.  Fear of knowing that someone believes my work is not good enough.  Fear of having my heart ripped out with every "no".  These fears are bad enough.  They freeze me in my tracks.  They make WRITING seem like something that can only hurt me in the long run.  But those aren't the only fears I have about this subject.  After even more self-analyzation, I have discovered that I am also afraid of hearing the word "yes".  A whole new set of fears comes into play if that happens.  The fear of being published but not selling a single book.  The fear of future expectations-you know, "I read her first book and it was great...but that second one sucked big, green, slimy donkey dicks!  I guess that first one was just a fluke!" 

I am allowing my fear to choke the life out of my ambitions, and I hate that!  I can't concentrate on writing, because after a while the fear becomes like a warm and safe place to live.  If I don't face the fear, then I won't have to hear the rejections, or any of the other things that cause the fear.

This is why I have not updated you all on my book progress in the last few days.  My fear has me overanalyzing every word I write and rewriting it 500 times.  I have the basic storyline for the book from the first chapter to the last, but actually writing it has become a dangerous venture outside the comfy, cozy world of my fear, and it is getting harder and harder every minute to take that chance. 

I absolutely HATE this!  It makes me feel so WEAK, and I am NOT a weak person.  It makes me feel like a serious failure....but I can't fail if I don't try...but I am failing to try....AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Okay, I just felt like I needed to get that all out.  Now that I have...maybe I can do something about it.  I am feeling a little concerned about the fact that I haven't told BD about all of this...but I am so worried about disappointing him with my weakness.  He sees me as someone who is so very strong because of the things I have had to go through and deal with in my life...I don't want to disillusion him.


  1. I think there is a lot of truth to that statment.

    Its not weak to feel fear, its an emotion and its emotions that make us who we are.

    Im quite sure BD will not see you as a failure, we all have 'weak' moments, its how we learn from these moments that make the difference.


    1. In my head, tori, I know that everything you said is absolutely right. In my heart, however, I just can't see it that way. I did, however, break down and tell BD about how I feel about all of this, and of course, he told me that feeling fear has nothing to do with being weak or's how I deal with the fear that makes that determination, and that I have always dealt with my fears in a way that makes him tremendously proud of me, and he is sure that I will deal with this fear in a similar way. *sigh* He is so wonderful....but of course, this adds a new fear....that I will disappoint him.

      Thanks for the comment, tori....and the food for thought!

  2. First of all, I'm very happy my little meme helped you the way it did. *Pats self on back* (Feel free to slap me)
    Second of all, you have raised a good point when you talk about fear of a 'yes,' too. A 'yes' can change our world; it can change how others view us; it can change the way we view ourselves. A 'yes' can bring its own list of scares.
    Don't let the fear stop you. Here's a post I really liked, too:

    1. Your meme was great, Shelby! I just love it! Like I said in my comment on your post, this was supposed to be an intellectual post discussing various aspects of fear and ambition...but once I started, my fingers just typed what they wanted to without consulting my brain! :-)

      Regarding the "yes" IS scary! I don't know which scares me more...the idea of the yes or the idea of the no! The only book I have ever submitted to agents was a children's book series I was working on....and the no's that are STILL rolling in bring me to tears every time I open my email. So I personally know that the no's are bad. VERY bad. But the unknown of the yes's are just as worrisome! It's good to know that I am not the only one that feels that way!

      Thanks for the link! I loved that post and have checked out a few more of her posts, and they are great, too! You have pointed me in the direction of a new blog to follow!

  3. I don't have anything productive to add, but this could have been a description of me written by me.
    You certainly aren't alone in your fears and the impact they have on you.

    1. Thanks, lil. Knowing I am not alone really does make me feel better about facing those fears. It feels so silly to fear the things I do...but silly or not, they are there.