The above pic was created by Shelby Cross and I found it on her blog the other day. She really is a funny lady, she is a submissive, and she is a writer...which combines to make her blog a place I visit quite often.
When I found this icon, I had to ask her permission to put it here on my blog, because it really hit an unpleasantly placed nail right on the head for me. I am often sad, due to the circumstances surrounding BD and I being so far apart right now, among other things, and after some self-analyzation (which I HATE, by the way), I have come to realize that I use that as an excuse not to do things that I KNOW I need to do. I let my sadness (which I believe sometimes borders on depression) effect my productivity and my life. I have ambition...I have a TON of ambition. But I sometimes feel that I am doing absolutely nothing to achieve my goals.
I have talked about this before, and I am sure I will talk about it again. Fear. Fear of hearing the rejections. Fear of knowing that someone believes my work is not good enough. Fear of having my heart ripped out with every "no". These fears are bad enough. They freeze me in my tracks. They make WRITING seem like something that can only hurt me in the long run. But those aren't the only fears I have about this subject. After even more self-analyzation, I have discovered that I am also afraid of hearing the word "yes". A whole new set of fears comes into play if that happens. The fear of being published but not selling a single book. The fear of future expectations-you know, "I read her first book and it was great...but that second one sucked big, green, slimy donkey dicks! I guess that first one was just a fluke!"
I am allowing my fear to choke the life out of my ambitions, and I hate that! I can't concentrate on writing, because after a while the fear becomes like a warm and safe place to live. If I don't face the fear, then I won't have to hear the rejections, or any of the other things that cause the fear.
This is why I have not updated you all on my book progress in the last few days. My fear has me overanalyzing every word I write and rewriting it 500 times. I have the basic storyline for the book from the first chapter to the last, but actually writing it has become a dangerous venture outside the comfy, cozy world of my fear, and it is getting harder and harder every minute to take that chance.
I absolutely HATE this! It makes me feel so WEAK, and I am NOT a weak person. It makes me feel like a serious failure....but I can't fail if I don't try...but I am failing to try....AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!
Okay, I just felt like I needed to get that all out. Now that I have...maybe I can do something about it. I am feeling a little concerned about the fact that I haven't told BD about all of this...but I am so worried about disappointing him with my weakness. He sees me as someone who is so very strong because of the things I have had to go through and deal with in my life...I don't want to disillusion him.