Back From The Brink!

OH, the potential beauty of these words, had they been spoken by my BD, and not the horrid FLU!!!

I am back!  Back from the brink of death!!!!  Or, at least, that's the way it felt!  I have been wallowing in the pain and ickiness of the flu for the first time in my entire life.  Thirty three years I have gone without ever getting a flu shot or the flu, and now I can no longer say that.  And let me just say, I hope I go another thirty three years (or the rest of my life) without ever getting it again!  I am only just today able to stay out of bed most of the day.  I have one thing to say about this flu crap, and then I am moving on:  Nyquil is my best friend, forever and for always.

Obviously, due to being so ill, my book project is not coming along quit as speedily as planned, but I have not given up hope!  Where there is a will, there is a way, and I have discovered that I have a whole lot more "will" than I ever thought I did.  Some more big news....I quit smoking!!!!  I am kind of sad about it, lol!  I enjoy smoking very much, but BD has finally put his foot down on the issue, so I finally have to give it up.  I have gotten down to maybe three cigarettes a week, and that is only when I am around someone who smokes.  So I am doing pretty darned good, if I do say so myself!  The only problem I have now is that I believe I am going to gain 500 pounds now that I have quit smoking!  I am eating ALL THE TIME to make up for the fact that I am not smoking!  BAD BAD BAD!  So, that brings me to my OTHER big news:

I am starting a workout program for myself.  I am going to do kickboxing, yoga, and bellydancing, and hopefully because all three of those are something I really want to learn, I will be able to convince my body that I am not actually EXERCISING, I am just having fun!  :-) Hopefully, my body is not that smart and will fall for the ruse!  Of course, this is not something I can jump into tomorrow, since I AM just getting over the flu and still not able to get an entire lung full of air, but I will spend the next few days recuperating and finding the right programs online....I figure I will just find you-tube videos and do it that way.  

I figure if I am going to make so many changes in my life, I might as well do them all at once, right?  Suddenly CREATE the person I want to be, instead of trying to slowly BECOME the person I want to be!

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!  I have played around with working out before, but it is SO not something I enjoy, so any advice on what to do or times of day or anything else would really help!

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all an update on me and explain why I haven't been here in a while.  I know some of you were probably starting to worry! I'll be back soon with more of ME, for those of you who aren't sick of me already!!!  I have used some of the time being sick to work on getting the "Fluffy" project underway, as well as a Facebook page....still working on them both, but I am pretty excited about them!

Thanks for hanging in with me!

Cassaundra

Fear...

The above pic was created by Shelby Cross and I found it on her blog the other day.  She really is a funny lady, she is a submissive, and she is a writer...which combines to make her blog a place I visit quite often.

When I found this icon, I had to ask her permission to put it here on my blog, because it really hit an unpleasantly placed nail right on the head for me.  I am often sad, due to the circumstances surrounding BD and I being so far apart right now, among other things, and after some self-analyzation (which I HATE, by the way), I have come to realize that I use that as an excuse not to do things that I KNOW I need to do.  I let my sadness (which I believe sometimes borders on depression) effect my productivity and my life.  I have ambition...I have a TON of ambition.  But I sometimes feel that I am doing absolutely nothing to achieve my goals.

I have talked about this before, and I am sure I will talk about it again.  Fear.  Fear of hearing the rejections.  Fear of knowing that someone believes my work is not good enough.  Fear of having my heart ripped out with every "no".  These fears are bad enough.  They freeze me in my tracks.  They make WRITING seem like something that can only hurt me in the long run.  But those aren't the only fears I have about this subject.  After even more self-analyzation, I have discovered that I am also afraid of hearing the word "yes".  A whole new set of fears comes into play if that happens.  The fear of being published but not selling a single book.  The fear of future expectations-you know, "I read her first book and it was great...but that second one sucked big, green, slimy donkey dicks!  I guess that first one was just a fluke!" 

I am allowing my fear to choke the life out of my ambitions, and I hate that!  I can't concentrate on writing, because after a while the fear becomes like a warm and safe place to live.  If I don't face the fear, then I won't have to hear the rejections, or any of the other things that cause the fear.

This is why I have not updated you all on my book progress in the last few days.  My fear has me overanalyzing every word I write and rewriting it 500 times.  I have the basic storyline for the book from the first chapter to the last, but actually writing it has become a dangerous venture outside the comfy, cozy world of my fear, and it is getting harder and harder every minute to take that chance. 

I absolutely HATE this!  It makes me feel so WEAK, and I am NOT a weak person.  It makes me feel like a serious failure....but I can't fail if I don't try...but I am failing to try....AAAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!

Okay, I just felt like I needed to get that all out.  Now that I have...maybe I can do something about it.  I am feeling a little concerned about the fact that I haven't told BD about all of this...but I am so worried about disappointing him with my weakness.  He sees me as someone who is so very strong because of the things I have had to go through and deal with in my life...I don't want to disillusion him.

Update On Book Progress

Well, my nephew didn't go home quite as early as I expected, but I was able to get 273 words done on my book outline!  In the outline, I have gotten as far as the conflict.  I am not good with creating conflict!  This is why I have never finished any of the books I have started, because I don't like to subject my characters to problems and heartbreak!  To me, creating these characters is a huge responsibility, and I feel like I should be responsible for making them happy in their lives!  But if I CAUSE conflict, then I am not making them happy!  I know, I know....all that kind of defeats the purpose of a book, because without a conflict there can be no story!  I'm working on it, though...it's just giving me some issues! 

I did, however, increase my daily word count by SEVEN TIMES!!!!  Well, not actual book words, but outline words, which may end up as book words, and DO help with the actual book writing process!  :-)

Yay me! 

And thanks everyone for your kind comments.  I have really made some wonderful friends here. 

Question...does anyone here know how to make those little sub-tabs under the main tabs at the top of the blog?  Regarding the "self-image" changes I am making to the blog, I want to have one tab (like my "home", "about me", and "BDSM" tabs at the top) with the main title on it, then under that I want to have some sub-tabs where I can put different information....but I can't figure out how to do the sub-tabs.

Thanks everyone!  OH...for those of you who can't find my email address on my profile, it is:  collaredcassaundra@yahoo.com

*HUGS*

Cassaundra

Update Post....and New Idea For Blog!

Hey guys!  I know that I have failed to post the updates, like I said I was going to...but I am officially doing it starting now.  I talked to my BD tonight and told him that I had not done it...he was very disappointed...and I HATE to disappoint him....so whether I have progress or not, I am posting an update.  My problem for the last two days really had a lot to do with my nephew being here.  Last night I fell asleep with him when I put him to bed (at like eight o'clock, so I got a REALLY good night's sleep...although I DID wake up and get back on the computer for a little while in the middle of the night, lol), and the night before....okay, let me just quit making excuses.  I had made no progress and was depressed about it, so I did not post.  There...accountability and responsibility.

UPDATE

Well, today I did not do any "work" words written...but I did write the first set of sentences for my book project!  Okay, so it was only 39 words...but it was 39 words I did not have yesterday!  I have also figured out most of the basis of the book, AND I have made the decision to make an outline before I start writing the book.  For those of you who don't know this...I hate outlines and have NEVER used an outline to write anything...except the book that I ghostwrote and that is now published.  SO...I am taking that into account and have decided that I need an outline to make this project go on some type of schedule.  My nephew is asleep, so I am going to start working on my outline as soon as I finish this post.

READING/EDITING VOLUNTEERS - 

IMPORTANT INFORMATION AND REQUEST

Okay, guys...For those of you who volunteered:  I really appreciate the great response to my call for volunteers!  You guys are AWESOME!  Now, I need to make something very clear here.  I am the kind of person who will bend the truth a little sometimes to make people feel better.  I hate to give people bad critique's, I hate to criticize (I WILL, I just don't like to!), and I hate to make people feel bad about something they have worked hard on.  If any of those statements apply to YOU...please reconsider volunteering.  I would be thrilled to have each and every one of you read it and give me your feedback, but I am VERY serious about this project and intend to work VERY hard on it....and I intend to have it PUBLISHED.  So, I need to ask those of you who want to read - PLEASE only do this if you can be TOTALLY honest, can COMPLETELY disregard my feelings, and can give me criticism if you think it is needed to make this book better!  Thank you very much!

Now, those of you who still want to volunteer, please send me your email address.  My email address is on my profile!  Thanks, guys!

NEW IDEA FOR BLOG

Okay, with all this conversation (both in my comment section and in other people's blogs) about my word "fluffy", I have decided to create a new section for my blog.  It is going to revolve around body image, body issues, and the evolution of the ideal body image for women.  I am pretty excited about it!  I will probably have the first phase of it up sometime tomorrow after my nephew goes home.  Just wanted to let you all know what was going through my head in the quest to decide what my blog is going to be when it grows up!  

Love and hugs to you all!  And thanks so much for all the support!  Everyone has been WONDERFUL! 

Cassaundra

Not Going As Planned...

Okay, so I suck and now you all know it!  :-( 

I did not make the progress post I intended to make last night....

I DID get 2000 words of articles written.

But I did NOT get any words of my book written. 

Grrr...I am NOT getting a very good start on this "whole new me" thing....

I WILL have a better update later...and possibly a post that has nothing to do with word counts...

*sigh*

Crazy New Idea....And A Question...

Okay, so this post is going to be a little crazy...well, maybe not to some of you.  But I am feeling a little crazy myself right now, so I figure my post is going to reflect that in a few ways.  Do ya'll remember my post from New Year's Eve?  I don't mean that sad parts, mainly because I don't really want to think about all that right now....I mean the resolution-ish parts.  Well, I didn't get a very good start on that yesterday (which would have been the BEST time to start on it, since it WAS the first day of the new year).  Unfortunately, I let all the sadness from the night before kind of creep in and pretty much WASTED yesterday with Gilmore Girls, blogland, email, and other things that will absolutely NOT help me accomplish ANY of my goals, unless of course my goals involve going on a gameshow that will only ask me questions like "How many guys did Lorelai date during season three?" and "How many junk emails can you delete before you have to empty your trash?"  

Today, however, I have FORCED myself to find SOMETHING to be excited about and I really have found it!  I have found a call for submissions for a publishing company that is requesting fiction romance novels revolving around...um...shall we say.....FLUFFY women (which is super awesome, because I happen to BE a fluffy woman!).  Now, the down-side to this is that the deadline is just two months away....EEK!  But I work really well within deadlines...especially ones that are strictly enforced...so I really and truly think I can do this!  I really have a problem with procrastination and NOT getting things done (something I am TRYING to work on, but have not been too successful).  I am the type of person who really needs boundaries and structure...but I am unable (for some unknown reason) to set them for myself.  Luckily, I was able to tell BD about this opportunity, and he gave me just the push I needed (both emotionally and structurally) to get me really, really excited about this and help me create the structure I needed!

Of course, I know that even if I get the book written and submitted, it still may not be accepted...and that is a HUGE fear for me.  I have written a lot of things, and none of my articles have EVER been rejected.  But my one and only foray into the world of book publishing was a children's book that has been rejected SEVERAL times...and that is a HORRIBLE feeling.  Once, I was the ghostwriter of a book that HAS been published, so I do have that to boost me and keep me going...but it was not published under my name, so that is kind of a bring down for me. 

Anyway, this has actually gotten me excited enough to finish some articles I have been working on for a while, too, so this could be the beginning of some serious steps for me!  

Wish me luck!  I will be back later tonight to post about my progress.  Hmmm...I don't think I mentioned that.  Since I can't talk to BD every day, he told me to put the information on my blog for what was required and to update on my progress every day.  This is part of the structure I was talking about.  It also brings in accountability, which helps me, too.  So...I will be posting a wordcount every day (in addition to posts about other things, so don't worry that this is going to become just a blog revolving around how many words I wrote that day, lol!), starting today.

OH, I had a question, too!  Does anyone here like these types of books and would you be willing to read and give me feedback once I have a few pages done?  I can't pay you, but if I DO get it published, I can most definitely mention you (and your blog) in the acknowledgements and even name a character after you or someone you love!

What do you think?

Cassaundra